El Presidente Declares Victory Over Part of Virus of Unknown and Unknowable Origin

By James -

 Rejoice compagni, for today El Presidente has granted unto us the most victorious of victories in the war against the microscopic menace known as COVID-19. As we all know, El Presidente came to power on the promise of shutting down the virus of unknown and unknowable origin (it certainly wasn't that nice television doctor's lab in China). And we are pleased to reporting that El President has accomplished just that. As of today, the Alpha Variant of the COVID-19 is totally and utterly sconfitta. 

In related news, El Presidente has today announced that we will all need to Do Our Part to defeat the Delta Variant. So we will be of masking up and shutting down. Again. El Presidente regrets that this will be handing massive leverage to his allies in the teachers' unions, but this is an unforeseeable consequence of steps that Must Be Taken. We Are All In This Together, compagni. 

This is of course in no way a rolling back of campaign promisings or admitting of defeat. El Presidente never said that we would defeat the entire virus. Just the original strain. 

So. Mission accomplished. The original strain is defeated. El Presidente has great plans for the future that cannot be endangered by giving you your freedoms back until the Delta Variant is defeated as well, although El Presidente has no plans to defeat the Delta Variant at this time. Fear not. People like that nice TV doctor Fauci are in charge.


El Presidente's Ice Cream Flavor of the Day is CICADA. Make sure you too enjoy a nice scoop of CICADA ice cream on your siesta today, amigos! We must all do our part to defeat the bug menace.

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