El Presidente Skillfully Administers Country

By James -

 Glorious happenings across the great Kakistani Republics today, compagni. So many exciting news items for processing.

Intransigent Republicans continue to flummox Grand Chancellor Schumer by doing exactly what they said they'd do two months ago. Grand Chancellor Schumer has turned to our wise and intelligent Presidente to solve this problem, which may involve minting a giant coin and then casting it into the fires of Mount Doom.

In other meanwhilings, the wayward state of Florida has suffered greatly under the latest wave of the Virus Of Unknown And Unknowable Origin. As you may recall, El Presidente declared total and complete glorious victory royale over the original virus, but, to the great surprise of TV's Professor Doctor Fauci, the virus mutated. Alleged Governor Ronald "Reagan" DeathSantis attempted to get his peoples hooked on snake oil called monoclonal antibodies, instead of getting them vaccinated. El Presidente responded in the most kindest and benevolo way possible, by restricting the supply of monoclonal antibodies to the wayward state of Florida. And the Virus Of Unknown And Unknowable Origin is now receding there. You will pause at this time and deliver three cheers for El Presidente before continuing on to the next news item.


El Presidente cannot hear your three cheers. Not because his brain does not work, but because he is not watching you through your computer. Yet.

Next, El Presidente has founded a new way to Tax The Rich, who are all schernitrici and tax cheats and evil landlords. As part of his pledge to not raise taxes on anyone but the millionaiuhs and billionaiuhs (as Comrade Senator Sanders would say), El Presidente will be monitoringing the banca accounts of anyone who has more than $600. No, that is not a typo, El Presidente does not make typos, because if he did, that would be evidence that his brain is impaired, and El Presidente's brain is not impaired. $600 is the correct number, because only millionaiuhs and billionaiuhs have $600 in their bank accounts (everyone else keeps their money under their mattresses).

El Presidente's Ice Cream Flavor of the Week is STEAK. Enjoy your refreshing scoop of STEAK 

We have just been informed that most of you contadini can no longer afford the price of meat in El Presidente's Kakistan, which is good for you because meat is bad for you. 

El Presidente's Ice Cream Flavor of the Week is BEER AND BAR NUTS. Enjoy your refreshing scoop of BEER AND BAR NUTS Ice Cream today, comrades! 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A new blasphemy

By James -
It has come to our attention that there exists a blog calling itself The Grasshopper Lies Heavy . This blog purports to show an alternate timeline , with incredibly disturbing developments. The point of divergence appears to be that in this hellish alternate reality, the U.S. never invaded Iraq. Barack Obama remained an obscure back-bencher, unable to use his opposition to a war that launched before he arrived in the Senate to strike a contrast with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. As a result, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won the 2008 election, and was roundly defeated by Mitt Romney in 2012. Grasshopper purports to show a reality where President Romney, now on his second term, and a cadre of globalist scum, have taken over the world, and EU is ravaged not by hordes of Islamic invaders but by the wages of communism. Reichminister of Public Indoctrination Betsy DeVos has issued a statement condemning the work as dangerous and subversive. Reichminister of Public Safety Jeff Sessions has issu...
Read more

Trumpenfuhrer announces first offensive in War on Science

By James -
Image
DC- The Trumpenfuhrer laid out his grand vision for his war against Science. "I will not rest until the scourge of Science has been driven from the fatherland," he declared. "Its cities will be razed, its men shot, its women and children enslaved." Reichminister of State Rexxon von Tillerson announced that the Science embassy has been closed and all of its personnel imprisoned for crimes against the state. In addition, the Trumpenfuhrer made a stunning display of bipartisan outreach in naming Certified Minorities Shaun King and Elizabeth Warren, as well as Certified Women Bruce Jenner and Bradley Manning, his top generals in the War on Science. Already several nuclear missiles, ironically designed and built by Science itself, have been launched at Science's major cities and industrial centers. It is expected that the War on Science could take several years, but the Trumpenfuhrer said not to worry about that, because at the conclusion of the war we will no ...
Read more

El Presidente detects structural abnormality in economy

By James -
Image
 Greetings and saluti, comrades. Am reports big goings-on in glorious People's Republic of Kakistan to-day.  Economic forensics laboring gloriously under El Presidente's supreme leadership have detected what is referring to " structural abnormalities " in glorious People's Republic economy. El Presidente's economists have assured us that ordinary people THE HARD-WORKING PROLETARIAT, THE TRUE HEROES OF GLORIOUS KAKISTAN cannot detect these structural abnormalities and will not affecting by them. Adding that it would be "unfair and absurd" to expect the rich, upon whom this burden rightfully belongs, to pass it on to the serf underclass HEROIC PIONEERS OF SOCIALIST LABOR .  Although economy is suffering from inflation CALMLY WEATHERING THE STORM OF STRUCTURAL ABNORMALITIES this is still far too complex a situation for meager capitalist running dogs to handle. Having been alerted to the backlogs of cargo ships in and outside Kakistani ports, El Pre...
Read more