The Trumpenfuhrer answers YOUR letters!
Dear Reichminister of Public Works [Insert Name Here]: I'm sorry I left the salutation blank, but the Trumpenfuhrer seems to go through you guys like Bill Clinton went through bimbos, and I didn't want to be shot for addressing a just-recently-declared traitor. Anyway, I am a 31-year-old construction worker who was proud to have built the Great Southern Wall using the bones of the Trumpenfuhrer's vanquished enemies. I'm wondering when we'll build another one on the northern border - I need the work, the Trumpenfuhrer hasn't run out of enemies, and everyone knows those damn tree-tappers are up to something.
Dear Peon Who Clearly Doesn't Own the November 2019 Edition of Who's Who In The Trumpenreich: I, your supreme Trumpenfuhrer, have been forwarded this letter. I have enclosed with my reply a copy of the November 2019 Edition of Who's Who In The Trumpenreich. Since the penalty for not being up-to-date on the current Reichministers is death, I had that copy first bathed in radioactive waste. Signed, Your Liege Lord.
Dear Most Esteemed Trumpenfuhrer: I am the next-of-kin of the previous correspondent. I would first like to congratulate you on your most excellent hospital system. I came in contact with the reply You sent the previous correspondent, and I am still alive, having only lost the use of my arms and several thousand dollars in medical expenses (for which I blame Obamacare, not You, obviously). Anyway, his question stands.
Dear Enlightened Peon: Your sacrifice for the Trumpenreich will not go unnoticed. I'll have new cyborg limbs grafted on to your stumps forthwith. No stumps? No problem. TrumpCare (a subsidiary of Space Force Inc.) covers amputations too. To answer your question, I have annexed Canada, and thus no wall is needed. My enemies' bones are currently being used to build Peace Missiles instead. Signed, Uncle Don.
Dear Big Awesome Leader Guy: I am a high school dropout working in one of Your salt mines. I just wanted to say keep up the good work! I am curious about one thing, though. You promised that you would lock up Hillary Clinton, yet she is still on Twitter. Why have the wardens not taken away her phones? Thanks again!
Dear Faithful Servant: I looked up the mine this letter was dispatched from and discovered that your overseer hasn't met his production quota in six months. I've therefore had him shot. You seem like a bright young man/woman/thing with a great future ahead of him/her/it. So I've arranged to have you promoted to the overseer position. As to your question, you'll find that your new responsibilities should keep you off Twitter anyway, so there won't be a problem. Signed, The Big T.
Dear Orange Man: I am a 44-year-old wine mom who lives with her overworked husband and her two kids, aged 11 and 7. That Pete Boot-Edge-Edge seems like an awfully nice young man. My kids are wondering why you're in charge and not him. What do I say?
Dear Wine Mom: It's called the Electoral College. I have a degree and everything. Mayor Pete is a failed mayor with out-of-control crime. But don't worry, it's not your fault your kids don't know this. Blame our horrible public education system. Tell your kids that only the Trumpenfuhrer can Make America Great Again. Signed, The Hair May Be A Lie But The Tan Is Real.
Dear Most Benevolent Trumpenfuhrer: I am a 42-year-old polysexual furry trying to explain to our kids about the killing of General Salami. I guess I should explain that these kids are not mine, they are the offspring of my ex-wife and her boyfriend, but I'm raising them. Anyway, just wondering what I should tell them.
Dear Furry: Don't worry. I've already alerted CPS. They'll take it from here. Signed, El Trumpo.
Oh Mighty and Ever-Living Trumpenfuhrer: I am a humble office drone following the impeachment proceedings on Twitter. I don't understand the Democrats' play here. I mean, they called a bunch of people who don't have any firsthand knowledge and then some law professors to opine pompously. Didn't Your heroic slaying of Merrick Garland put a stop to this nonsense? Also, what is up with Vermont cheese? I think it's a communist plot.
Dear Office Drone 274-B-057: I have an opening on my communications staff. DM me. Signed, Witch-Finder-Finder General Trump.
Hey, Jerkwad: I am Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. You're still impeached.
Dear Exhibit A in US v. Botox, Inc.: I am the Trumpenfuhrer. You're still railroaded by a one-term bartender into losing the House over a tremendously stupid impeachment effort. Signed, the only one of the two of us who's still gonna have his current job next February.
Dear Guy Trying to Set Up a Monarchy: I am His Royal Highness Harry, Duke of Sussex. Listen, I hear you know a few things about a) dealing with wives whose boobs everyone has seen, and b) unloading wives you no longer want. Hit me up, I'm willing to trade you Scotland for some advice.
Dear the Only Disappointment Greater Than Tiffany: You had me at "boobs." Look, I'm not taking both Meghan and Scotland - I need something actually good in this exchange - but we can talk. We still on for polo on the 11th? Signed, the reincarnation of Edward VII.
Dear Space Force Grand Marshal Trumpenfuhrer: I am a two-time Warhammer 40,000 champion. Will the Space Force have boltguns and chainswords? Or will it have lasers with chainsaw bayonets (much cooler!)? Also, where do I sign up?
Dear Space Cadet: Your letter is being treated as your consent for us to cut you open and stuff a bunch of experimental organs inside you. We may also randomly replace some limbs with cyborg parts, just to test them. Congratulations, Space Marine (or possibly servitor, in the event of surgical failure)! Signed, the God-Emperor of Mankind.
Dear Peon Who Clearly Doesn't Own the November 2019 Edition of Who's Who In The Trumpenreich: I, your supreme Trumpenfuhrer, have been forwarded this letter. I have enclosed with my reply a copy of the November 2019 Edition of Who's Who In The Trumpenreich. Since the penalty for not being up-to-date on the current Reichministers is death, I had that copy first bathed in radioactive waste. Signed, Your Liege Lord.
Dear Most Esteemed Trumpenfuhrer: I am the next-of-kin of the previous correspondent. I would first like to congratulate you on your most excellent hospital system. I came in contact with the reply You sent the previous correspondent, and I am still alive, having only lost the use of my arms and several thousand dollars in medical expenses (for which I blame Obamacare, not You, obviously). Anyway, his question stands.
Dear Enlightened Peon: Your sacrifice for the Trumpenreich will not go unnoticed. I'll have new cyborg limbs grafted on to your stumps forthwith. No stumps? No problem. TrumpCare (a subsidiary of Space Force Inc.) covers amputations too. To answer your question, I have annexed Canada, and thus no wall is needed. My enemies' bones are currently being used to build Peace Missiles instead. Signed, Uncle Don.
Dear Big Awesome Leader Guy: I am a high school dropout working in one of Your salt mines. I just wanted to say keep up the good work! I am curious about one thing, though. You promised that you would lock up Hillary Clinton, yet she is still on Twitter. Why have the wardens not taken away her phones? Thanks again!
Dear Faithful Servant: I looked up the mine this letter was dispatched from and discovered that your overseer hasn't met his production quota in six months. I've therefore had him shot. You seem like a bright young man/woman/thing with a great future ahead of him/her/it. So I've arranged to have you promoted to the overseer position. As to your question, you'll find that your new responsibilities should keep you off Twitter anyway, so there won't be a problem. Signed, The Big T.
Dear Orange Man: I am a 44-year-old wine mom who lives with her overworked husband and her two kids, aged 11 and 7. That Pete Boot-Edge-Edge seems like an awfully nice young man. My kids are wondering why you're in charge and not him. What do I say?
Dear Wine Mom: It's called the Electoral College. I have a degree and everything. Mayor Pete is a failed mayor with out-of-control crime. But don't worry, it's not your fault your kids don't know this. Blame our horrible public education system. Tell your kids that only the Trumpenfuhrer can Make America Great Again. Signed, The Hair May Be A Lie But The Tan Is Real.
Dear Most Benevolent Trumpenfuhrer: I am a 42-year-old polysexual furry trying to explain to our kids about the killing of General Salami. I guess I should explain that these kids are not mine, they are the offspring of my ex-wife and her boyfriend, but I'm raising them. Anyway, just wondering what I should tell them.
Dear Furry: Don't worry. I've already alerted CPS. They'll take it from here. Signed, El Trumpo.
Oh Mighty and Ever-Living Trumpenfuhrer: I am a humble office drone following the impeachment proceedings on Twitter. I don't understand the Democrats' play here. I mean, they called a bunch of people who don't have any firsthand knowledge and then some law professors to opine pompously. Didn't Your heroic slaying of Merrick Garland put a stop to this nonsense? Also, what is up with Vermont cheese? I think it's a communist plot.
Dear Office Drone 274-B-057: I have an opening on my communications staff. DM me. Signed, Witch-Finder-Finder General Trump.
Hey, Jerkwad: I am Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. You're still impeached.
Dear Exhibit A in US v. Botox, Inc.: I am the Trumpenfuhrer. You're still railroaded by a one-term bartender into losing the House over a tremendously stupid impeachment effort. Signed, the only one of the two of us who's still gonna have his current job next February.
Dear Guy Trying to Set Up a Monarchy: I am His Royal Highness Harry, Duke of Sussex. Listen, I hear you know a few things about a) dealing with wives whose boobs everyone has seen, and b) unloading wives you no longer want. Hit me up, I'm willing to trade you Scotland for some advice.
Dear the Only Disappointment Greater Than Tiffany: You had me at "boobs." Look, I'm not taking both Meghan and Scotland - I need something actually good in this exchange - but we can talk. We still on for polo on the 11th? Signed, the reincarnation of Edward VII.
Dear Space Force Grand Marshal Trumpenfuhrer: I am a two-time Warhammer 40,000 champion. Will the Space Force have boltguns and chainswords? Or will it have lasers with chainsaw bayonets (much cooler!)? Also, where do I sign up?
Dear Space Cadet: Your letter is being treated as your consent for us to cut you open and stuff a bunch of experimental organs inside you. We may also randomly replace some limbs with cyborg parts, just to test them. Congratulations, Space Marine (or possibly servitor, in the event of surgical failure)! Signed, the God-Emperor of Mankind.
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