Trumpenfuhrer Terminates Opposition Party in Drone Strike
(as a reminder, these are dispatches from the alternate-universe hellscape where Trump is the dictator you all think he is)
Once upon a time, the United States had pussy presidents who would ring in the new year by pardoning obviously guilty turkeys or giving speeches. That dark age has ended. We are now, of course, the Greater Trumpenproletariat, and our glorious Trumpenfuhrer is no pussy president.
As loyal servants of the Trumpenreich know, the arch-traitors of the Democratic Party have been spearheading attacks on Our Democracy for years now. We are pleased to report that earlier this year, the Trumpenfuhrer had several of these prominent Democrats terminated via drone strike, while they were waiting for their Uber at Washington-Dulles Airport.
Surviving Democrat Alexandria Occasional-Cortex issued a statement from her bed at St. Albert's Hospital for the Criminally Insane, accusing the Trumpenfuhrer of committing "war crimes." Representatives of the Trumpenfuhrer contact her and reminded her that the Trumpenfuhrer could not have committed war crimes because the arch-traitor Democratic Party is not subject to the protections of the Geneva Conventions.
Shadow Secretary of State Nancy Pelosi, who has continued her opposition out of "solemn and serious duty," expressed her consternation that the Trumpenfuhrer had commenced righteous military action without her express approval. The Trumpenfuhrer promised to advise her in the future before he dropped further bombs. The Trumpenfuhrer then sent over an envoy to Pelosi's office to advise her that he would be leaking the names and amounts of all sexual harassment payouts in Congress. "She did say she wanted to be informed before we dropped bombs," the envoy told the press, sporting a coffee-mug-shaped bruise on his forehead.
In other news, in response to an Iranian-backed attack on our Iraqi embassy, the Trumpenfuhrer summoned the Iranian ambassador and had him torn apart by hungry wolves on national television. Then he carpet-bombed Tehran.
Once upon a time, the United States had pussy presidents who would ring in the new year by pardoning obviously guilty turkeys or giving speeches. That dark age has ended. We are now, of course, the Greater Trumpenproletariat, and our glorious Trumpenfuhrer is no pussy president.
As loyal servants of the Trumpenreich know, the arch-traitors of the Democratic Party have been spearheading attacks on Our Democracy for years now. We are pleased to report that earlier this year, the Trumpenfuhrer had several of these prominent Democrats terminated via drone strike, while they were waiting for their Uber at Washington-Dulles Airport.
Surviving Democrat Alexandria Occasional-Cortex issued a statement from her bed at St. Albert's Hospital for the Criminally Insane, accusing the Trumpenfuhrer of committing "war crimes." Representatives of the Trumpenfuhrer contact her and reminded her that the Trumpenfuhrer could not have committed war crimes because the arch-traitor Democratic Party is not subject to the protections of the Geneva Conventions.
Shadow Secretary of State Nancy Pelosi, who has continued her opposition out of "solemn and serious duty," expressed her consternation that the Trumpenfuhrer had commenced righteous military action without her express approval. The Trumpenfuhrer promised to advise her in the future before he dropped further bombs. The Trumpenfuhrer then sent over an envoy to Pelosi's office to advise her that he would be leaking the names and amounts of all sexual harassment payouts in Congress. "She did say she wanted to be informed before we dropped bombs," the envoy told the press, sporting a coffee-mug-shaped bruise on his forehead.
In other news, in response to an Iranian-backed attack on our Iraqi embassy, the Trumpenfuhrer summoned the Iranian ambassador and had him torn apart by hungry wolves on national television. Then he carpet-bombed Tehran.
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