We Must Abolish The Filibuster

By James -

 My fellow Kakistanis, a great new day dawns before us. We are mere hours away from institutioning a soviet socialist paradise the likes of which has never been seen on Earth, aside from Venezuela, Cuba, China, North Korea, Vietnam, Russia, Belarus, the Ukraine, Lithuania, Georgia, Estonia, Latvia, Moldova, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Turkmenistan, and Kazakhstan. Also Chechnya and Transiti- Trasnistri- Transnist- eh, it's not important.

Sadly, this dream of a better tomorrow is being stymied by a power-hungry white man named Joe Manchin. He is of refusing to eliminate the filibuster, a draconian racist anti-democratic measure that no Democrat in good standing would ever resort to. And the Democratic Party has always, always stood against this impediment to the Will Of The People. Without it, Manchin would be the deciding vote on every bill to be approved in the Senate, but he is refusing to eliminate it! He is so power-hungry!

We good Americans know that there are provisions that are not in the Constitution. Of course, unlimited abortion rights are one of the most sacred of these. But equally important - well, almost equally, of course - ah, no, equally, we are all comrades here - but there is a <BLAM!> - as I was saying. A key unwritten part of our constitution states that rules must be bent or rewritten until the Democratic Party gets what it wants, because We Can't Wait. We must govern as though we have a 20-seat majority in the Senate. It is of the utmost importance that we protect Our Democracy. And this we cannot do if the minority party has any voice whatsoever. Comrades, we must preserve Our Democracy by ensuring that no Republican can ever win an election ever again!

The Republicans will wail and moan that we are enabling election fraud. But of course election fraud does not exist. And no elections in the history of this country have been stolen. Except in 2000. And 2016. And Georgia in 2018. Therefore we must abolish the filibuster in order to ensure that no measures to counter voter fraud can be undertaken, because the side that believes crazy conspiracy theories about stolen elections cannot regain power. And we have been reliably assured that any Democrat can win in West Virginia, a state the Tyrant Who Will Not Be Named won by a 40% margin in what can only be obvious election fraud. Addendum: election fraud does not exist.

In short, Joe Manchin will vote to neutralize the obstacle, or AOC will record another TikTok. And nobody likes AOC. Not even our own Co-Vice-Shadow Presidentessa. (Yes, we know El Presidente put Co-Vice-Shadow Presidentessa Harris on Operation Twist Manchin's Arm, but the Co-Vice-Shadow Presidentessa is also busy on Operation Never Visit The Border.)

El Presidente's Ice Cream Flavor of the Day is ALMOND CHOCOLATE COCONUT. Make sure you too enjoy a nice scoop of ALMOND CHOCOLATE COCONUT ice cream on your siesta today, compagni! Our prisones are not as full as they could be.

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